by Motavenda Melchizedek
Note: "This is a work in progress...I am writing, adding to, and editing this piece as I learn more about 'The Law of Attraction' as well as my own core emotions that led to this brutal experience."
Page 8
You know, there was something that was strangely healing that did happen from the accident. It was the first time I was hurt by someone where I was not blamed for it.
That is strange, embarrassing and sad to me all at the same time.
I remember in those first hours when my body was so so traumatized and how purely loving people were to me. The people at the hospital. And everyone who came to see me. No one blamed me. They all cried with me. Especially about Maggie. It was somehow obvious to people that I...and Maggie...that no one really could ever deserve to be hurt like we were.
This is never true when I am injured emotionally in this world. Even though those injures have been far far worse and far more devastating to my heart and soul.
The accident was one of the easiest things I have ever dealt with in this life to be honest. Because I was actually really loved and cared for by people in my hurt state. Which had never really happened for me before.
The boy has never said a word and recently I felt drawn to write to him.
Hello. My name is Moti and I am the woman you hit with your car back in October.
I wanted to let you all know that I am ok and have recovered.
I am not sure where you are with everything that happened. I want you all to know that if you ever want to talk about things, that I am here and not angry or bitter or wanting anything from you or your family other than to let you know I am home and well again.
My thoughts are that you are a young man just starting your life in ways and that I would hope you know that I am here to help him with any processing you may want to do around this incident in terms of talking with me if that time comes for you. And that goes also for family.
My feelings are that it is better to clear things and process our emotions and experiences fully as we move through life and I want you all to know that I am here if you want to contact me to help you in that process.
Just know that if a times comes when any of you feel like you would like to communicate with me that I am open and not angry.
Here is a video that I made about what happened to me and my dog maggie after we were hit by you....
Thanks, Moti
I never heard anything from him. I also sent a note to his father because a mutual friend told me he did not think his father knew what had happened. I am not sure why they have never reached out. I have been told by others that it is probably because they are afraid I might sue them. Even though I would not do that. I also heard that this young man has drug addiction issues.
I have only thought of him a few times because it all seemed to be beyond us both...the energies that conspired to bring that event about.
Still, the other people who came forward to help to care for me and my animal friends (with the exception of the weird hateful abuse from Michelle) these others were so kind and tender and caring. Never blaming or wishing me further harm.
These things were healing to my soul. To simply be loved in my pain and vulnerability. I was completely helpless. Unable to walk. Unable to care for my body. Unable to function. Just like a little baby. And these people, many of them strangers, really loved me. And grieved with me. And healed me.
....
Today when I was walking with a new doggie friend I thought that if there was a way, I would never share my thoughts or feelings with another person again. That I would only share them with God. And that would make my life much better. And I wished I had never shared myself with anyone in this world before. I felt like things would have turned out so much better. I would not have been so abandoned and rejected by all those who might have loved me. My mother, my father, my sisters, my soulmate and all the others that came after them and into those empty holes born of rejection.
...
Today I feel how I do not know how I will be able ever to live in this world with my heart opened so wide....knowing...feeling all the suffering here. I think of Emma....a lovely collie mix girl living at the shelter...and how she has been there for four month now. And I can only cry. I think of the other sweet pups I have spent time with who are there today....they are all alone, and on these two days each week they are left in their cages with no one there to love or walk them. And, how on most days they spend all day and night locked up.
I feel for them so much. There is so much I wish I could give. And, knowing they have tomorrow all alone locked up again...without knowing why or how it came to pass that they are in such a place....and how endless and pervasive these scenarios are for so many of my fellow earthlings. Just a glimpse at these few divine creatures and I am so overwhelmed with sorrow.
I think too today of how overwhelmed I have been in this life at the endless sight of people supporting abuse of others, including abuse toward me. And I wonder, how I will be able to turn even more fully toward the world in deeper love. I don't know how on earth I will be able to handle the sorrow I feel.
So, I am praying to see how to go forward. I will grow and become able to see and feel so much more. And I need to. Because I am so polarized from the rest of the world after the life I have lived until now. And it makes me want to not be in this life at all. I makes me feel afraid of a God that would let a world with so much pain and suffering continue. And, I also feel that as I release my resistance to life and find new ways to move through the world as it is...with all the pain and all the suffering still existing here so utterly in this very moment...as I open to feel it more fully...even though I am afraid I don't have the capacity to even look at it...I feel that somehow, I will be transformed into a better person...capable of bringing much more love to the earth...and to all the ones I long to comfort and help who are so vulnerable and so unseen and unloved and in such distress in this moment.
Maybe I can find value in all of the suffering I have known. And, I will see new ways to help God bring love to this darkened world.
This week ahead I will do my art...bringing it forward to the next level.... and treat myself more kindly, and continue to move away from the impulse to reach out to others for love or support or validation who cannot or will not ever give those things to me...and, most excitedly, I will walk some precious dogs and pray to see new ways to facilitate positive outcomes for these lovely creatures.
When I look at how closed down I am still...which is so obvious when I turn to face these captured animals so alone and helpless....and how huge the sorrow is that I am feeling....well, it shows me that collectively, if we all were to feel our feelings completely, we would indeed become the highest beings of love and light and we could certainly, and with ease, bring about a safe world in which the most vulnerable creature could come and share this earth in complete openness without even the slightest chance of injury befalling them.
I can feel how I write this piece and say how I feel...just how unbalance I look to the world. And how many would say I should shut the fuck up and get put on medication. And, I see the irony in that. Because, if others would feel their own feelings rather than taking medication and pushing them on everyone else, then I would not be living in a world that was so overwhelming for me to exist in with my own emotions.
Still, despite these things, I am glad I have continued always to feel and to stay open to feel even more. I will cry my heart if that is what I need to do now to become capable of loving more.
...
It was an exciting day at the Shelter....I found out the very great news when I got there this afternoon to walk dogs that three dogs (Emma, Bonita and Bear) were adopted this weekend. What could be better than that? I cried this week a few times when I learned that Emma was in her fourth month there....and still so kind and lovely and so deserving of a family to relax and be happy with. I really prayed to God that her family would come for her soon. What a fantastic bit of news for all three of these cutie pies. I also had a crazy experience when the gorgeous husky Shilo pulled a Houdini on me and ran wild through the hills....which was scary because I afraid he would run away and I would get in trouble and not be able to walk the dogs again...but, alas, in the end, he ran and ran through the hills, then...after feeling the thrill of the wild...ran back to the front door of the shelter...and the people there were nice and we didn't get in trouble. I'm so glad...because I LOVE walking through the hills with these majestic creatures. I will sleep with more peace in my heart and soul tonight knowing...feeling...the great joy Emma, Bonita and Bear must been experiencing now that they have a family of their own to love and be loved by. How healing to see...to witness goodness on the earth.
....
Last night I had a dream where Alice was chasing me down in her jeep. I hid behind a tree. She was after me for calling her a "rapist."
There is more to heal. But, I am so grateful to be finding ways to be there for the innocent beings in vulnerable circumstances on the earth...finding openings to bring love and compassion to others without getting annihilated by those who would wish to hold darkness in place here for eternity.
I know it is the darkness that in the souls of the wounded that has been the well from which the endless violence I have encountered is born of. It is as though I am despised for what I have escaped from, for facing the truth of my early life....for indirectly shining light on the condition others are still in with those who have injured them, and with the choices they have made in their injured state.
And, still, I have to go forward. Even though I provoke rage in those who are aligned with such despairing conditions. I have no choice but to grow more into the light of the truth of my own soul and the world I was born into and the world I inhabit now.
....
I am getting ready to go up to the shelter and I feel so much fear racing around inside of me. Yesterday was the first time I discovered one of the dogs I walk and am friends with was killed there. Here is what I posted in the community about her.
Sad news today when I asked to walk my friend Duchess. I was told she was not there. And, when I asked if she had been adopted, I was told "No". So, she must have been killed. I think she had been there for the maximum time afforded. She is the first dog I have made friends with at the shelter who has died this way. It is really sad. She was super nice and so wanting to find her way back home. Maybe, now she has. I pray that she is in a beautiful new world where she is not longing in such vulnerability or living at the mercy of an unbalanced world. I love her so much. I am also really grateful for the chance to walk with her and for the love and care she did receive at the shelter during her time there. I wish things were better for these friends of ours. I realize more and more how much we need to learn and how we must grow our compassion for all our fellow earthlings if we are to live in a world of love together someday. The shelter gives them love and food and protection...and they work so hard and give so much...but it is up to all of us to see the truth of these overwhelming conditions we are helping to bring about here so that we can move toward creating a world that is loving and kind and safe for every last being on the earth. That is my prayer. That your death was not in vain. I did not want to not acknowledge this and just pull her off my postings. I feel like I need to do what I feel is right. And, also, that I have the right to exist. But, it is ever dangerous and has never turned out well for me.
When I look at our collective relationship to the animal kingdom, it is hard not to see how much we still have to learn about love...both loving ourselves and loving others. It seems to me that the animals bear the brunt of so much of our self-estrangement and our lack of compassion for our own injured state as humans. They become the objects of our capacity to be cold, uncaring and cruel. These little creatures are so innocent....and totally at our mercy....and someday I hope to be in a world where that has finally become safe, lovely and kind place for all of them to dwell.
I think it is healing to look and to see and start from where we are. To just face it and feel all of our feelings no matter how painful they are. When I heard this news today I knew not to ask any more questions or to cry inside...so I went out with another pup to walk and sob for my innocent friend. I wondered if she knew? If she was afraid? I had no idea when I was walking with her just yesterday and when I held her tight and whispered, "Don't give up. Just hang in there a little longer. Your family is bound to come for you soon." It is heartbreaking that anyone would feel they "need" to kill another earthling. That's why I stopped eating meat and animal products recently. It helps me to stop being a part of all of these unloving things that are taking place between humans and the animals God created who I do not believe we have the right to kill. No matter what we may have been taught or told or come to believe. It is so obviously unloving. What I always noticed most about Miss Duchess was how she would stop many times during our walks to look back toward the shelter...worried that her "owner" would return for her and that she would not be there to great them. So utterly loyal after everything. As though she could not comprehend not remaining loyal even though she had been brought to a shelter and left there. Dogs are amazing....they are so pure and so good. They have an awful lot to teach humanity.
....
I know the worlds are colliding. Still, I want to go there each day and spend time with these little ones. And, take them out for walks in the hills and just love them. I hope there will not be a backlash that locks me out of this now. I do not think they have a desire to change from a high rate "Kill" shelter from things I have read. And, that entails not feeling in ways that I myself do feel. So, it will be a balance that I do not know yet will be maintained. I see how we, as a community, shun these truths into dark corners. It is "too much" to look at. And, that is how these cruel circumstances comes into being. And it is how they exist in our lives now.
The truth is that the people working at the shelter are doing more for the abandoned homeless animals than anyone else, yet they are also killing more than half of them. And that is not good. It is not good for anyone's soul who is participating in something so unloving. I want to help the animals. It is my connection to their vulnerability and the nature of their predicament that awakens this strong desire in me to show up for them. Yet, they are there because so much of our world does not feel. And so it becomes treacherous to go into places where I am expected to shut down and shut up and shut off my feelings.
I won't do it. I will feel everything. And, I hope I can still help my furry friends. I know this is a system constructed and firm in its way of being. And, so, it is, by its nature, unwanting of my soul's view....or of my feelings. It was utterly clear when I was informed of Duchess's death. It was cryptic but clear and the lines were deep and defined and well delineated in the informing. But, still, I will speak of my feelings. Not to them, but to the world. Because I too have a view and a perspective and a desire....to create something better. And I won't not exist or express myself just because it feels so forbidden.
It is usually always that both I and the innocents involved who receive the blunt force punishment as I am made forbidden to love them any longer so that unloving things can continue and those who feed off of these things can be satiated. And this is always the risk in speaking up. I let the community know Duchess was killed. It is important that we all know. That we all look and see and heal the things within us that make us...that allow us...to constantly turn away...so that we can stop these injuries from continuing indefinitely and with our consent into eternity.
I take a deep breath. I feel the enormous fear moving through me...and I head out to walk the dogs. I don't know how this will play out. I will just stay in love and continue to feel all of my feelings....and not turn away from any of it. That is the best thing I can do for these animals. It feels like Nazi Germany. The intolerance. The looking away. The danger of going there and daring to love those deemed unworthy of love.
.....
Well...Back home...Things went better than I had hoped...or shall I say "feared?" I did not get shut out or acted out on and that is all I ask for now. Just to be able to bring love into these places and remain safe and grow in my compassion and my understanding and try to help to bring things forward and into more harmony with divine love.
oops...I just realized my posting on Duchess just went out in this afternoon's newsletter...so it still may come back to bite me. Yet, I know it is important, irregardless of where other people are with their own emotions, that I feel and express mine. Especially here and now as I exist with these most vulnerable friends. I don't know what will happen if I am told not to disclose another death if I find out about it. I feel like I need to be totally open and honest and that we, as a community, are creating this and that we can help make things much better if we only become willing to look and see and bring our hearts to the situation, rather than judgment and condemnation.
.....
Tonight I think of the pups in their cages. Afraid. Not understanding how they came to be there...how to get back to their families...all alone. I think too of Duchess....and how her death might have played out. Today I hung out with other dogs there and saw other people who had come to walk them too. It was good to see. I am glad they allow this there. I just wish it felt safer to talk about the unhealed parts. I wish I did not sense that it was so forbidden. Not just there, but in the community too.
It makes me wonder if this is how my mother felt knowing how my father was abusing us. So frightened. So forbidden to feel or own her terror. Her sense of abandoning those in her care. She is still like this. I don't want to be so afraid. It feels sickening. The sight of the intolerance and how everything gets turned against those who speak about dark things that we all know are happening. Things we can all resolve and find solutions to. If we only look. If we dare to feel and give ourselves the space to grieve our denial and what has been created from that place.
Somehow I feel despised. I feel how existing in my feelings is utterly problematic. Yet it is my devotion to do this. To grow in love and truth and entails feeling everything. Even the horror of this lovely creature's fate. So unkind. So unfair. So unnecessary.
I don't want to turn away from anything. I want to grow in love to the point where that is impossible to do. Ever.
When I feel despised, I think it is the collective intolerance of what I am experiencing emotionally that I am sensing. And, I want to be able to feel these things too and not be afraid. Even though these things are huge and so destructive and pervasive.
my friend miss duchess
to be continued....
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