by Motavenda Melchizedek

Note: "This is a work in progress...I am writing, adding to, and editing this piece as I learn more about 'The Law of Attraction' as well as my own core emotions that led to this brutal experience."

Page 7

Last night I cried myself to sleep as the eyes of terrorized animals from the movie Earthlings flashed before my eyes. Feeling utterly overwhelmed with despair I prayed to God to understand how this could be allowed to go on here. And, I prayed to find a way to help. I thought of how I could begin from where I am now...to bring comfort and to help to stop these torturous acts from continuing. I remembered how I have been afraid to go to the animal shelter here to offer to walk the dogs there because I can hear them yelping and crying out for help when I walk the trails nearby. And I have been to afraid to go there and see what was happening. Afraid I would not be able to help anyone and that I would not be able to handle my feelings in the face of such desperation in the eyes of the innocent and displaced and scared animals there. But, last night it occurred to me as I cried out to God....that I could go there now. To this place and perhaps be able to bring some compassion and comfort to these vulnerable earthlings.

I woke up this morning still cloaked in fear. It is a time of healing for me. This huge injury around helping others in terrible circumstances and being attacked and injured for it. Still, I wanted to reach out today because it is unbearable no to do nothing. I called the shelter and the gentleman I reached there was kind and open to me coming by to walk dogs.

I just returned home. And posted this online....

omg...I just got home from doing the funniest thing I have ever done in Silver City....walking dogs who are waiting to find homes while living at the humane society shelter. It's awesome....you can do little walks or long walks with little dogs and big dogs. It's wonderful because there are miles and miles of open uninhabited trails right behind the building that you can take for as long as you and your furry friends want. It is so cool. I made so many new friends and got to roam the hills and feel love...instead of only fear and hopelessness for all the animals who are in still in stressful conditions. It's perfect....and they were very kind and open to me just coming there whenever I want and I let them pick the dogs they thought would most want to walk....and off we went. The High Desert Humane Society 3050 So. Cougar Way Silver City 538-9261 They are open Tuesday through Saturday until at least 5:00 and welcome anyone to come and walk these precious pups p.s. The most useful thing I have learned about walking dogs over the years is to always keep your furry friend either beside or behind you...and never let them walk ahead of or in front of you. In the world of dogs...whoever is walking in front of the pack is considered the leader. So, if you do this one thing consistently, you will have a healthy, loving, kind experience together. You will have stress-free enjoyable walks without any power struggles or unbalanced things happening. Dogs are SO grateful when we do this....because they can then relax knowing you are the leader and they can explore and enjoy themselves without conflict or confusion.

My experience was safe and kind an filled with love. What could be better than walking with sweet kind and lovely new friends through the desert hills that I love so much?

It's perfect. I can go whenever I want...and, since I walk up there nearly everyday, I will get to spend time loving and being loved by these most innocent creatures. So happy to simply smell the grass and feel the breeze and to be with someone who doesn't act out in cruel ways toward them.

I am so thankful that my prayer was answered. I feel hope. I feel a great relief that I am able now to do something to help here. Tonight I will think of these new friends, Bonita the Chihuahua, Bernie the Golden Eyed Wonder, Merlin the Wild One, Banana the Flying Dog and Marge...a True and Gentle Delight. And, as I think of them, I will pray that the perfect most loving friends will find them and bring them home...and until then...I will spend time with them having fun as much as I can.

...

I did almost get hit by someone texting behind the wheel of their truck on my way home from the shelter...something that seems to happen nearly every time I go anywhere these days..so there is obviously more to this story still to discover.

....

A friend shared the other day that he could hear the cries of the neighboring mother cows whose babies had been taken from them. I think of these sorrow-filled beings today who must so distressed and afraid. Wishing it was not so. Wishing I could comfort them. And wishing their babies would be returned to them. Unharmed.

....

Today I think about a strong truth I am learning and beginning to understand and apply now to my life from the teaching of Divine Truth. This as to do with looking at others with blame when I need, instead, to look within myself to understand why certain things are happening in my life. For instance, today when I had returned "Chomper" to the shelter after a long and wild walk where I worked with him to learn how to walk on a leash and how to not jump up on people. He is probably 6 or 7 months old and strong with sharp claws and must weigh at least 60 or 70 pounds. It seems that he may have never had a walk with a person on a leash perhaps ever. And so, he now is in a predicament. He was most likely left at the shelter because he can really hurt people when he jumps up with all his strength and weight combined with sharp claws and teeth which he playfully bites with. Not realizing how painful and injuring he is when he does this.

So, here is he now, nearly "unadoptable", in the eyes of a shelter with a high "kill" rate. And, I know I can help to teach him how to be balanced and to not jump up on people and how to take walks in a calm and joyful and wonderful way alongside a friend. And this is my devotion. I am limited by the fact that he will be with others most of his time who won't be working to remedy these out-of-balance behaviors and so will likely continue to revert to these things again...but I believe I can still have success in teaching this precious being how to become centered and how to hold and live in that center so that he can draw the perfect healthy being to him and have a lovely life of kindness.

This is what I am doing now each day at the shelter. Working with these vulnerable innocent creatures who have been misguided and lacking of loving environments and then rejected and who now stand at death's door unless something changes within them.

I feel so grateful to be given the chance to know them and to help to guide them. They are so innocent. And also confused. And, I imagine, quite frightened by where they find themselves now. Not understanding anything. And, often having there pre-existing anxiety inducing experiences intensified to a huge degree by their present environment.

It is overwhelming. Sometimes I just cry with them and for them.

Anyway, I am mostly grateful to be given the chance to bring some kindness and guidance and love to them.

Today, as I returned Chomper, I saw a woman I had not seen from the accident. We talked a little about it and I knew she felt I had "manifested" it. I know much of her "new age" belief system and when she mentioned my friend's husband and his new girlfriend with love, I felt that pit in my stomach that comes when I know I stand in the midst of another who has no ability to ever see the truth of something horrible that happened to me. But, who will instead blame me for it and elevate others who actually energetically directed the assault at me.

What is different today is that I can work differently here with these truths. It is the hopelessness I feel in these circumstances that have sent me spinning in desperation in the past. Wanting to correct the truth and illuminate others to see the truth of things rather than project onto me things that totally untrue and end up harming me when I am already hurt.

Now, I am choosing not to engage them in that way. Spiritually, psychically, verbally or otherwise. I often, in the past, would tell others what I had experienced and describe how and where these people where misunderstanding things.

I don't know the full truth yet. I just know I don't want to engage in those ways in these circumstances anymore because I do believe there is a better higher way to navigate this dynamic.

In it's most base form it boils down to me being inside of something dark, scary, overwhelming and injuring and then, in the midst of that, being judge, blamed and misunderstood when I am already in terrifying circumstances.

It is here when I have believed I had no hope in the world to achieve safety other than to be loved and seen and believed by people. And, it just is not something that happens for me. Usually, I am projected onto, blamed and shamed and abandoned in my most terrifying circumstances. So, it has not been fun.

Now, I am able to choose a new way. To release everyone to feel their judgments and even hatred and disrespect for my choices in this life, usually having to do with abuse...abuse of me....of children...of animals....and begin to move in a new direction. To seek God. Because, there, I will find the truth. I feel that, as I open up to receive God's Love, I will

I don't want to live underneath others anymore. I don't want to live at the mercy of other people's views of me. I don't want to engage in trying to change others to make them see that I have the right to speak to things that are dangerous and unkind when I or other innocent vulnerable beings are being injured.

As I do not go there...in those directions I have moved in all this life, I turn toward opening up to God.

I remember, as young girl, I would go around to all my sisters and little friends, from the earliest time I can remember and I would have them close their eyes and I would place my finger about 1/4 inch from their skin over their "third eye". Can you feel this? Doesn't it feel like I am touching you? It did. It felt like I was touching them when I wasn't. I was there, totally desperate trying to activate everyone's third eye. Knowing...believing...that it was my only hope for salvation. That they become awakened spiritually.

I have carried that with me. This desperate sense that I was at the mercy of the spiritual condition of everyone around me. And I have pled with them to become conscious with me.

Now, I am know that there is another way I can find and feel and experience safety and love in this world. It is through opening up to, beginning and growing in a relationship with God. It is not something I have ever had with people on the earth. And this devastation and grief I feel about this is what I am releasing now.

Tomorrow, I will return to the hills and spend time with some wonderful dogs who have been through the same. So hurt. So acted out on. So blamed for being hurt. So confused. So utterly at the mercy of others to not harm or kill them.

I think of Bernie. A lovely boy. He was not neutered and lifts his leg to pee inside the shelter on the wall....what one of the people working there with the power to decide if he will live or die referred to as a "disgusting habit." When she described it that way, it felt to me that she had already made up her mind that he will die for it.

I have taken a few long and lovely walks with this boy and he is so gentle. He loves to mark his territory on these walks often...and, when he does, I cannot help but feel how confusing it all must be for him. Often, after he pees on a tree or on a rock as we walk, he looks shyly up at me with fear. Bless his heart.

It took him quite a while to even look at me. As has been the case with many of these lovely creatures who have been so fucked with by humans and then rejected and discarded with hatred for showing signs of confusion and anxiety.

I wish I could help every animal on the earth...and in the universe...to live in safety, harmony, kindness and peace. That is a deep desire within my heart and soul. I know that these abuses are happening because humans are suffering, injured and confused. I struggle with why God would allow these innocents to born into this world where the vast majority are acted out on in such horrible ways.

I continue to pray. To pray for understanding. To pray to become more loving. To pray to find ways to reach the injured and frightened with compassion and kindness.

If not engaging with others in the ways I have even when they are abusing me, hating me, shaming me for seeing what I do and for the choices I make...and instead, choosing to turn toward God and away from engaging in desperate and futile attempts to be loved or understood...if that movement in a new direction can help to stop any of these horrible things....I am totally willing to change. To become softer. To let the hatred and desecration come at me without engaging any of it. If changing this allows me to become more loving and more capable of receiving divine love, then I can sit in that love with these innocent creatures beside me and give them that experience to soften their burden. I hope to be bridge for them to a kind and loving destiny. If I can open to God's Love, I can be a loving person for them to know and have always as a friend.

Yesterday, as I left the shelter, the Dog Catcher arrived with two dogs and three cats. All in such distress. I told them, "Don't worry. They will help you." It was not true. I don't know what will happen to them there. And, today, as I was leaving there was a dog crying so deeply with such sorrow and suffering, that I sob now feeling his fear and pain.

These are reasons why I have never felt peace in my life here. Always knowing, always feeling what is unaddressed and unhealed in this world. I want to continue to grow and heal so that I can serve in anyway I can to help the higher beings and God to bring more love to the earth. And I must start with myself.

...

Today on my way to walk the pups I again passed a man who despises me and opening projects murderous rage toward me every time I see him. He has been on my path every day that I have headed to the shelter. This is unusual considering I have seen him probably 6 times over the past year. Yesterday, I tentatively waved at him and he rejected me with despicable hatred. Today, he just sent pure violence and rage and disgust at me as I passed him.

These are things I struggle with. Knowing that someone is not even content seeing how injured I recently was. How that does not even begin to satisfy someone like him. And, I don't feel like I did anything wrong with him. And, though I know he is doing this with many other people who often come toward me to tell me of their own confusion, I still feel spooked to the core of my soul when I am face to face with energies that so completely despise me and wish me dead. I usually just argue with these spirits on the psychic plane because they have come endlessly toward me. I usually try to explain to them what is happening and why I am not safe engaging with them. But, now, I realize I must drop more deeply into my feelings of terror and just surrender to the hopelessness I feel inside of this world where I have so often been despised and where so many have wished harm and even death upon me.

Today, when he did this again to me, I felt how vulnerable I am as a woman alone in this world. Unprotected. Still devoted to my path of feelings and speaking honestly, and how that has lead to much suffering and persecution. It has been horrible. And, every time this man does this to me, I feel that sickening vulnerability again.

Even though he basically told me he would end up doing this to me, I entered into a relationship with him a few years ago. It was awful. It was so darkly abusive. It still is. He too, just like my father, is injured and has spirits which he openly admits just step in and take over. And, many of them hate my guts for anything of light I ever brought into our dialogues. And these beings were able to level some violent blows at me which I am reeling from still years later. It was as though they knew just how to make me feel ugly and worthless and old and undesirable. He knew just how to arrange the setting so that I was completely open and receptive before these destructive thoughts were fed to me and I willingly ingested and digested them.

Why would I enter into a relationship with a man who did not even think I was pretty?

Why would I enter into a relationship with someone still totally unhealed from his devastating childhood, on medication and possessed by annihilating spirits?

It is scary to me that I did this. I remember walking around town with him in the early days of the time we shared. He was always projecting this viscous, annihilating hatred at people. And, somehow, I felt safe. Safe because he was being nice to me and I was not the target. I found him completely confusing. It was like his true soul was good and beautiful but he was also taken over and effected by other energies in ways I did not discern at the time, but can see now from a distance.

He wanted to be with me all the time. Every day. And was always coming toward me sexually, but then, once we would go into intimacy, he would invariable reject me and tell me that he would be leaving me at some point for someone else...someone younger....and that he wanted to be sure I wasn't going to be mad at him when he did.

Yuck. What on earth was I doing there. And, how could he now hate me? As though all those injuring things were not satisfying enough?

This is where and when I have to look at myself and why on earth I would be in the presence...in the bed...of someone who told me he would do these things to me. That he would reject and act out on me and hurt me. At the time, it just felt good to not be so alone in the world. Even though I have spent the vast majority of my life alone. It just felt good to have a tall strong man walking beside me. Even though he was half rejecting me the whole time.

My soulmate rejected me 25 years ago. And, still does today. It has been strange, scary and devastating to negotiate this world without him. He has gone down a totally different path than I have. One of "natural love" teachings and has probably a few hundred thousand "followers" in his work. He has a wife and many children and even grandchildren now.

There was no room there for me. Not in his plans. And, he also made it quite clear all those years ago that he found my childhood quite repulsive. I recall him asking me, "Why do you think you went through that in this life?" And shortly after that he left his own young daughters with a child molester (as far as he himself told me was the truth) and then cast me out of his world with disgust and repulsion when I expressed concern and made sure this situation was at least investigated.

But this man held all the power. Even then, all those years ago, he had the power, prestige, money. I had none of those things. And I still do not. He however has grown exponentially in these areas. Holding a place of esteem and adoration in the new age world.

It is a different world than mine. It is one based on not feeling emotions. Other than "love."

My world is based on feeling everything. And I have no seat there in his life. Inside of the world he has created so masterfully. And this has left me to do my work alone. Assaulted, rejected, misunderstood and largely despised.

Still, I am ok. I do feel peace. I do feel clean and clear. Though there is more pain and sorrow that I release now as I realize that I can actually open myself to God from this solitary and frightful place.

Those few years back, when I entered into that relationship with this other man who despises me now, I had given up on my soulmate in a way. Though I never really could. A few times, I have entered into relationships with other men over these past decades and been willing to go completely into another destiny. But, it has never worked.

Now, I am here, my soulmate is seventy and long gone into his narcotic world of the new age. Rich beyond his wildest dreams with no one around him to reflect these things I feel. And me, condemned to another world where all these other feelings...like the ones I feel....are felt. It is a world considered ugly, dark, unevolved and unspiritual.

These are the injuries for me. The rejection, repulsion....being the object of all the disgust people feel about their own disowned emotions.

And here, in this place, it is hard to feel anything right now but sorrow. Sorrow for me. Sorrow for having had my beauty so defiled. Sorrow for all this little innocent creatures who I share the world with who feel the same.

I am overwhelmed at the sight of it all. When I passed that man this morning and he sent that hatred with such force at me....I did not reject or push back. I just felt it. And it felt horrible and really scary. I remembered how he did this to me a few days after I return home from the accident and he walked within feet of me...right toward me...and sent this vile hatred straight at me. It was scary then too. I was only a few days into newly walking on two broken legs. And I had had no encounters whatsoever with him that could explain or warrant this. I thought, "How could someone want to hurt me when both of my legs are broken?"

I sob now as I think of it. It is so frightening. It is so overwhelming to know that I have faced these things in countless scenarios throughout my life, completely unprotected and always abandoned...and, until now, without even a hope that there was being who could see the truth with me and love me. Now, I know, I will have that with God.

It is through healing this sorrow...through feeling how utterly alone I have felt...and how much evil and abuse has been thrown at me with such force in this life, beginning with my own mother and father....and my sisters....and with so many I have loved...including still, my own soulmate....that I now feel from a deeper place as I turn toward a higher sense of truth and love....where there is compassion that I now feel for my sacred soul. So injured, so devastated, so frightened.

Today I worried about the pups and how I hope I can help them to not be hurt further by people...and I glance at the larger truth of how many of these innocent beings lay bare....and totally at the mercy of others....and I wonder how I will find a way to live in this world...knowing these things so completley...and still be able to function and give and love in a way that matters. I pray about this now. I pray in midst of overwhelming sorrow and despair at the sight of these forces of hatred and destruction. So justified by others. So pervasive still. The shear numbers of beings on the receiving end of hatred and violence and misguided forces of destruction and annihilation...well, my heart, still so quiet and sleeping...is wondering how it will ever handle the enormity of it all.

Today it was drizzling rain as I walked the pups. I wished I had more time....that could let them run wild and free...that I had more time and space to give them all the love and kindness and guidance they need. I wished I could bring them home with...that I was in a world where everyone was healthy and healed and no beings were left alone with such overwhelming and unfair circumstances to contend with.

All I can see to do that might help is to become more loving myself. Even though I am afraid to open my heart up more inside of a world that has been so devastating for me to live inside of with all my feelings. Still, I want to learn everything I can so that I can do everything my soul is capable of to help ease the hardships of those in confusion and pain. Even these men whose choices and actions have hurt me so deeply.

There is more for me to learn about love. I have not even begun. I only tried to not injure other or perpetuate the evils done to me as a child. I have tried to be open and supportive towards others. But, I have not even imagined I could grow in love in such a world as this. I am becoming open in these days to this...I am becoming willing to become more loving even when it comes to people who hate me and hurt others. Because, if it can help even one of these little puppy dogs, it is worth the risk of annihilation.

For it is my love of self and others...even to the meager extent I have held in love in this unloving world...it is the love I have had that had made me a target of so much hatred. I think that is why I am afraid now of what I face in knowing that I must grow in love further. Much much further than I ever knew was possible here. It will be in Divine Love...and I am becoming ready now.

Tonight I wish that every being who was not suffering turned to in love and kindness to one of the scared and confused among us and brought them comfort and love.

I want to grow in love until I see such a world transforming.

I want to feel my beauty again. Even though I have been unloved in this life by so many. By my mother, my father, my siblings, my soulmate and from there, many others. I want to feel my beauty in the midst of all of this because, I too, am a child of God. Worthy of love And, if it is not for me to have with people on the earth, than perhaps I will come to know it in the presence of God in the times ahead.

I feel this beginning now. A great change in my soul. A tremendous healing is taking place as I release the grief of a life unloved.

 

click to return to first page of this story...Page 1

continue on to next page of this story..Page 8