by Motavenda Melchizedek
Note: "This is a work in progress...I am writing, adding to, and editing this piece as I learn more about 'The Law of Attraction' as well as my own core emotions that led to this brutal experience."
Page 6
It is scary to tell these tales. To speak of the unspeakable. I have fear that these very people will read my words and come after me with a vengeance driven by all that "righteous" rage. I think especially of the woman with the "sanctuary." I went to see her many months after the accident. I had never been out to her place. She was drunk and still I shared deeply with her for hours about her predicament. I ended up offering to come out and caretake so she and her husband could have a break. I was confused and scared by what I saw. She loves these animals, yet she has these violent energies moving through and around her that she knows create a totally unsafe world for all of them. And, she is a killer too. She has ordered the murder of another and it was successful. At least that is what she told me. And, she has set things up where these dogs end up in violent circumstances as the natural fallout of her unaddressed emotions. She told me she came home and found two dogs attacking another and how she nearly beat them to death using a shovel to their heads...and then took them to the vet to be killed. And then, within weeks, she went out one night and came home to another elder dog literally torn into pieces. She, most likely intoxicated, blamed a young pup for the attack and for the next week humiliated and branded this little guy a killer. I told her it didn't add up and that I sensed it was a mountain lion. Which she later came to believe too. Still, she knows her unhealed pain, and the rage it has her in, is jeopardizing the safety of all of the innocents in her care.
The day I stayed out there, I felt how similar her rage is to the out of control rage my friend Sharifa grappled with. Which, is identical to the rage that fueled my father's violence against us all as children. I was so relieved when the day was over and she arrived home. She was intoxicated and berating and humiliating her husband and I felt that gross feeling of someone commanding that I watch complicity such derogatory and unholy acts against a man. She ensnared me to agree to do this more times over the coming months before I escaped. I was there for 10 hours and not with my sweet animals here and when I arrived home late that night Bear was overwhelmed with relief and stress, which he never is exposed to, and I heard the sound of gushing water as I approached my little house in the dark. The water pipe had burst under my sink and the had been flooding my place full force for who knows how many hours.
I knew in that instant that I would not go back there or engage with her again under these conditions. I knew it was too dangerous for me to. I know how precarious my little life is here...and to be exposed to such outrageous and out of control violence...where so so many people know what is going on and hold a space for it with her....I can't do that.
Yet it has bothered me ever since. I know what is happening there. I have been made a witness. I feel afraid for all those innocent animals ever time I see her post a new posting about drinking alcohol...glorifying it. And I know how much support she has in her violence because everyone is afraid of her too. And she loves that. And, if she even knows I have written this, I am a deserving target of it all from her point of view. Even though she has been told, and told me she realizes, that her unaddressed rage is effecting all of these animals and will continue to escalate in danger into the future if she does not deal with it.
For now, I have removed myself from her view. Still, it feels undone. At the time of my last encounter with her...and the flooding of my house, I just knew it was here again. The same energy from my past. My father's rage. Sharifa's rage. The rage that I received when that car hit my body. The rage Alice holds toward me. The rage this other woman feels for me offering to help her not act on her pup. It is everywhere in this world. This out of control rage.
My job is to further heal the wound in me that says I must freeze and remain paralyzed in its midst because I fear an even greater unleashing if I don't comply.
This week I watched "The Pianist" which was about this same rage moving unaddressed through the Nazis. It feels the same. The only difference is that there are not guns involved and the rage-filled ones can only beat animals and children here. Still it has the same feeling to it. These forces are insatiable. The more they destroy and make others suffer, the hungrier they become for more of the same.
I feel twisted up inside. In my gut. Where the assaults have landed through the ages.
It was strange to watch the enormity of the violence against the Jewish people. How everyone, for the most part, went right along with it. I remember as a child, seeing footage of the mass graves from that time...and how that was a huge awakening for me. It was the moment I knew I was living in a very scary world. I remember asking my mother why no one did anything to stop it....I don't recall her answer....only that it left me even more frightened.
I only know that I myself my go further into truth and deeper into feeling with each breath I take upon the earth. No matter how frightened and weakened I feel. It is the only way out of these things. It is the only way the atrocities will someday cease.
I look in the mirror. I look very old. An tired old woman. Even though yesterday I looked ageless and transcendent. It is all these ugly feelings about my existence and the result of having ingested the disgust others feel about my soul.
I realize too that I need to write a truthful letter to the woman who runs the animal "sanctuary" and tell her how I feel. Even though she will likely unleash murderous rage at me for doing so. I just feel an obligation to the animals in her care. And to my own soul. As well as to the man she abused in front of me...forcing me to watch and witness in silence. I do not want to ever be silent in the midst of any of these things again. Not even for a moment.
Now, I turn to speak the truth to her.
I've been wanting to write to you for a while and to be more honest about my feelings with you. After spending the day out on your land and watching all the pups, I arrived home to find my house flooding with a pipe broken under my sink. It made me so aware that I could not ignore or minimize how I feel or allow myself to go further in my relationship with you because I don't feel safe in your presence because of the violence and rage you express when you are drinking. I don't mean the anger about injustices etc, but the rage you unleash. It is the same rage that my father wielded and threw around so recklessly at me and sisters and mother when I was little girl. It is the same rage my friend Sharifa had....that killed her in the end and that I stood in fear of confronting which ended up leading me to be hit by that car and so seriously injured. You have never directed this at me, but I don't want to ever be complicit or appear supportive to anyone doing this to any other being.
I know how much love you have for the animals in your care. And how you give so much and so fully and endlessly to provide for them. I think it is a wonderful thing.
I also know that you are aware of this violence and rage that moves through you toward others unaddressed and with full force on a regular basis and how, not addressing the core injuries that have led you to do this, is putting the ranch in danger. And that it can lead to more violence there.
I feel this too. I feel afraid of what could happen there because those energies moving through and around your are huge and forceful and destructive. And I believe they are give full reign to express uninterrupted there through you and through the spirits with you.
And that is why I could not come out there to help anymore at this time. And I want to be honest about that with you. Also, I want to say that I love you and care about you and the precious innocent ones in your care. And that, as I have shared with you, I have both dealt with alcoholism and devastating childhood injuries in this life and am happy to share with you anything and everything I have learned so far in my healing if you do decide to embark on that process.
I wish you and everyone involved safety and health and truth and love of the highest order.
In truth...and in love,
Moti
p.s. I also want to express that I do not feel judgment towards you. I just feel fear...about these things going unaddressed and for my part in that by not telling you how I felt. And I feel love for you want be honest in my exchanges with you rather than afraid and intimidated when I am witnessing violence just because I don't want it turned and directed at me. Like I felt when you were interacting with your mate upon your return home and berating, belittling, insulting and intimidating him in front of me. I was there watching that abuse because you did in in front of me and felt like I was cornered into appearing complicit when in fact I do not support those mannerism toward anyone.
Yikes...I just hit "send."
I feel fleeting fear that this woman will go to the place where I used to work and engage in a gang bang of moti hatred for speaking these words. Because it is a restaurant with lot's of alcoholism running rampant and no tolerance for truth. I was driven out of there for not be able to negotiate vile hatred and bullying directed at me on such an outrageous scale in the end...that I could not stop crying long enough to care for my customers. I was humiliate and openly and publicly degraded for not being ok with these things. So, surely, she can find support there if she chooses to.
I feel like this was the right thing for me to do. For my own soul and for the animals in her care. And, for her partner too who she has been totally abusive and degrading to in front of me. I do not support any of these things and I do have the right to state that to anyone at any time when I am brought into these energetic things. Even someone who would kill me for it. Just yesterday she posted an xray of one of the dog's newly fractured pelvis and it made me afraid and sad. It made me aware that I needed to speak to her of my concern. Even if I was frightened to do so.
The worst part is when abusive people become more enraged because of my expression of the truth and then take it out on some other innocent creature. Like Alice is now doing with Belle. And, my father did with my sisters.
I feel guilty. Like I am to blame for those crimes commitment in my name. Though it was never true. The abuser blamed me for brutalizing others further because their own rage grew greater because I shined a light on it.
...
This reminds also of how my soul mate used this also to repel me out of his world for the past thirty years. I expressed concern over his dropping off his little girls to stay for two weeks unsupervised at the home of a man who he told me was a child molester (which he himself had informed me of just months earlier). I found this out when the little girls were returned to him screaming, crying, distressed and even one of them had had her little arm pulled out of it' socket. When I asked him how he could leave them there, knowing what he knew....I was turned on and cast out with a vengeance. And have been ever since. For 25 years now. This week I felt that when I was cast out of that my soulmates world for expressing my concerns, that consciousness of those things was banished and felt suddenly that I needed to reinsert the concerns I had back then into this young woman's reality. In case anything did happen to her. Regardless of how I may be further ostracized, ridiculed or demonized for it.
Just this week, I contacted one of those little girls to tell them about this experience of hers that I witnessed.
I feel it is time now. Time to continue further with the truth. In all matters.
I feel like this has been a full week...and that now all these unaddressed things have been addressed in the ways I had not fully done so before. Truthfully, I would have rather not even have to go into these places because I am so despised for it. Yet it is impossible for me to not continue forward and more deeply into the light. It is hard to imagine handling any more hate and disgust directed my way...which certainly may come now...but things are changing. I am aware for the first time that I will be able to open up more fully to receive the love of God through my living in truth in places I have been too afraid to speak truthfully in before.
All of these things...and more...were a apart of my "Law of Attraction" creating that accident to befall me and my lovely friend Miss Maggie Mae that fateful evening.
...well my day ended well. I received note back from the woman with the animal "sanctuary" who I have been so terrified to speak to about my concerns because she can be so violent....saying...I'm so very sorry, Moti. And I sobbed.
I do feel like I am becoming able now...through this process....to really open up to receive pure divine love.
I also received a loving response from the other woman regarding the adopted pup reassuring me all is progressing in love between them.
In both cases it was healing to not be turned on with aggression.
Tonight I watched Earthlings. It is unbearable what we are doing to our fellow earthlings. This is gut wrenching to watch...but essential for each of us to know and live each day in full consciousness of if we are to ever stop these autocracies. I am overwhelmed with sorrow and regret for ever having participated in any of these things in any way. Whether in be in what I ate or drank or wore in this life. Knowing somewhere within me how wrong it all is. And choosing not to look or see or make the changes. I feel horrible for my part in any of the horrific suffering I have caused in my selfishness to eat and drink what I wanted and not look at what I was doing to other sentient beings in that process. And I pray that I can find a way to help all of these innocent creatures who share this earth with us...into the future...a devotion I will carry in my soul until all of these acts of evil cease on this earth we share. It is nearly beyond comprehension what we humans are doing to our fellow earthlings. It is so evil. So horrible. So essential to know. So that we can change what we are doing here. It is worth going through the emotions this film will bring up in you...even if it only saves one of these innocents beings among us from this torture. For it is only by looking at this truth and feeling our feelings...all of them...in the face of these dark and ongoing realities that can we heal this violence and stop this horrid cruelty together. All beings deserve a safe and loving life free from the harm and torture of others.
I threw up a few times...and sobbed and wailed uncontrollably at the sight of the truth in this film. I recently stopped eating any animals or any "products" and I am facing now just how wrong it has been for me to ignore these evil things I was participating in. I am so sorry. And, I am willing now to face it all. And to become better and grow in love and I pray that I can be someone who can help these suffering souls. I just overwhelmed with grief for them. I will pray always now to see how I can help stop this evil from continuing on the earth.
The violence against the innocent beings here is nearly incomprehensible. But we...I...must look at it all truthfully now and forever more. I hope to become loving enough to make a difference in the lives of these brutalized divine beings. I understand more now why I have been so overwhelmed and afraid in this life. Knowing...sensing...how pervasive these horrible acts of cruelty are here. In this very moment.
....
I feel some mixed feelings about speaking truthfully to Alice about how violating I have felt yet I also know that not speaking truthfully about these things to her has seemed to cause her to escalate and grow in her belief that it is perfectly ok to be so vicious with me.
I am seeing how and where I have been interacting with dominating, overwhelming and self-righteous energies when they are directed at me with such force and when people doing these things are supported, both overtly and through silent complicit witnessing by others. I feel that, even after thirty years of addressing my family of origin wounds, that I am now standing in a new place.
I have obviously still carried a space of opening that these forces blast into with such indignation and righteousness. Like when Alice and her friend pinned down my 120 lb dog and shaved him down to his skin within hours of the accident. Me immobilized, and poor Bear so confused...having witnessed the car hitting me, killing Maggie and see me screaming out for help in terror. He was so afraid to leave the scene and it took an hour for my friend to get him to move after I was wisked away by ambulance.
When Alice told me what she had been doing to Bear in those hours after all that trauma...when he had never even had a hair cut in his 10 years of life....and never been physically or emotionally overridden or violated...well, it just all started there. And, it has continued in her abuse of Belle and me when I have offered to help out with Belle. So, although I have had very few interactions with her over the past year, she has been brutal with me. And, I just overlooked it the best I could because at first I was so injured and needed help for those five weeks I could not get home....and she was helping with those things. Then, I just figured we would not interact much when it was over. But, given that she was doing things that seemed so painful and heartbreaking to Belle, I did approach her to offer some relief. And was so viciously attacked by her that it became clear that things were undone within me and in my relationship to her.
There does not feel to me to be any nicer word than "rape" to describe to her how I have felt. I just feel somehow like it is not "loving" for me to say that to her. Even though it is the truth. And, I wanted to say to her how her actions have impacted me and Bear. Bear, who never snapped at anyone in his life...who has, since she did those things to him, been unable to trust anyone petting him this past year...even friends he has for years and years. He was so traumatized by that overpowering of his precious body and extreme violations of his will. It was a rape.
I also am facing how I have been a part of totally horrible rapist activity in eating animals and animal "products" and as I embark on a vegan diet now...I am grieving deeply these atrocities that I was not wanting to look at before.
It is all connected. Me consuming the spoils of other's acts of torturing, terrorizing and murdering innocent animals. Me being tortured, terrorized and threatened with murder by my own parents...and by the continuing recreation of others walking up to me through those open wounds...hearing the litany still playing from those earliest scenes.
At moments this week .it felt so intense to go further and deeper into truth after such abuse for having come this far.
But, I do feel more able to trust the ultimate outcome as I am learning how aligned so much of what I have lived has actually been with divine love...or god's love and god's laws...as I learn more of these things. It is deeply affirming to my soul. So, even though I am afraid, and even though I feel ugly and dirty and filled to the brim with the hatred thrown at me all my life that I have ingested and digested so completely....I am also filled with great hope.
I see more clearly how, because these parents of mine were not aligned with these divine truths and, therefore, taught me lessons that are totally out of harmony with love....love of self...love of others...that I learned to ignore the pain of the innocent and to believe I should live in terror of the violence within others.
I am unlearning these false beliefs...as I heal my soul more fully. I am SO grateful to have a pathway I trust before me now. It is such a relief.
to be continued....
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