by Motavenda Melchizedek
Note: "This is a work in progress...I am writing, adding to, and editing this piece as I learn more about 'The Law of Attraction' as well as my own core emotions that led to this brutal experience."
Page 5
I live in a smallish town where you end up knowing hundreds of people, and the truth is that the vast majority of my interactions are deep and kind and loving and intimate and sweet. It is just this issue around violations and abuse of the innocent and where I end up cornered into speaking the truth in unwanted places that the problems arise.
I have been told all my life, whenever I am under attack, that I should not be bothered...that I should "Let it go."
I have never been able to do this. Even now, as I enter into new levels of understanding truth and love, I am acutely aware of just how impacted and devastated my soul is after receiving so many unholy, and downright hateful violent projections thrown with such force toward me throughout my life. For some reason, I have been deeply damaged and effected by these wieldings. Even though others claim they are not. And perhaps, if they were not injured by their parents as I was, perhaps they are totally unaffected by anything others think and send their way. I can see that this might be true from here...from this new vantage point.
For me, it has been different. I have received all of the hatred sent at me for not going along with abuse of myself or innocent animals and children when I am in the presence of these things. And the nature of just how despised I have been in these situations is huge and disturbing to witness now as I turn and face my soul and how battered and devastated I am.
It is good that I feel the space to realize this from a new place now. I was growing so weary again....feeling so weakened. Now, I feel the room to begin to grieve and to release all of these horrid projects thrown with such force at my sacred soul by those who despise truth on such violent levels. I have been a target of these things from my earliest days on earth.
I am not sure what will change within me through this process of healing. Perhaps I will understand things in a new way that will allow me to no longer ingest these horrible things thrown at my sweet soul. That would be good. It would be marvelous really. It would change everything. I would no longer be constantly transmuting and negotiating injuries and rejection and projections. I would have all my energy for growing and flowering more fully in my beauty. Rather then picking out all the rotting things of hatred thrown and stuck in my soul. Exhausting me. I feel filled with the hatred people feel for themselves but want to disown by throwing it violently toward others. And, I know I do not deserve these things. And I will learn how to manage this better in the days ahead. I already am now. Even just taking back my space today from these bully neighbors who have felt fed by their success in pushing me around in my own yard through intimidation and fear...I ended up creating a beautiful outdoor sanctuary for myself to sleep and play in. I could feel them watching me. I could smell their smoke and feel them wondering how dare I? I had always been afraid to even use a power tool...even a drill....when they could hear me. In their world it is to ask to be ripped off by them. And for me to do it anyway today, to seal my fence with tarps and create enough privacy from their intrusions...it allows me now to be outside, breathing the beautiful clean cool desert air....with my happy dog resting out here beside me.
I could feel these neighbors, and the spirits around them, deflating. They no longer get that sense of strength from pushing me around. It feels better now. And doing this today, taking back my space here, is what clarified my need to tell Alice that her treatment of me is very rapist. And that was something I wanted to tell her in those first hours after the accident. When she began these violent mannerisms toward me. This is how she moves through the world and though many others feel intimidated by her, no one stands up and is honest with her. Today though, I was. And I am glad. It releases that energetic violating stance she has had over me and my dog and my home here. I could feel her reaching her energy toward me in her violating dialogues about me with others. Now, she knows I know. And, I have spoken the truth to her of my feelings of violation. And, that is all I needed to do with her. To tell her I do not consent to or agree with this treatment from her toward me, my animals or my home.
It's as though I have ingested all these hateful things thrown at me through the ages because I was taught to by my mother. And, there is an endless stream of people always around abusers I encounter who are empowering their violence toward me, standing in compliance and acquiescence toward these atrocious and devastating brutalities against my soul and even shaming and undermining me when I turn to see how contaminated and injured I am.
All of these things I was taught were normal, and the "way of the world" by my own mother.
There is much to unlearn here. In these terrible twisted teachings.
....
It's a new day and I awaken with a deeper pit in my stomach. The same as I must have felt in the aftermath of my father's brutal rantings as a hopeless, helpless child. Knowing if I did anything less than pretend to feel safe that I would be attack with the force of pure annihilating hatred. Murderous rage. It was always the hatred and destruction directed at me for not being able to act safe in the midst of such harming forces that got me into even deeper troubled waters.
Today, I feel it brewing in Alice...and in her consorts she insights to support her in her violence against others. And, I also feel it from a friend who has always down a low grade and constant shaming with me in our acquaintances through the years. Always over a feeling I share about my own life or circumstance that then she invariable puts me down for having and then when I share that I am ok with feeling all my feelings and that it is my spiritual path...well, the shame holds still within her.
And, that is ok. Ok until now she shares how she is acting this out on a little pup. And I am the one who facilitated the adoption of this animal. And, so I offer support and even the option to take her in to my own home if things become to frustrating....well, now, I have awakened the sleeping giant within her. The one who holds her in contempt of feelings.
And, in these circumstances it never works out well for me. I become the target of those wrathful, vengeful energies within the soul's of others and also of the spirits around these people who hold there world in place. None of whom have any tolerance for anything other than the continuation of the annihilation anyone daring to even know how they feel. Unless the emotions are ones these energies deem "spiritual." And, you know, "crating" a dog a punishment for feeling anxious, nervous and for being totally emotionally overwhelmed with fear and excess physical energy...well, that makes me feel sick to my stomach. I makes me want to offer to help find a better solution to her "behavior problems"...it makes me want to help this woman see that it is a devastating thing to do. I would not want to be put into a cage I could barely turn around in and have the door locked and me left there with no way to get out and no one to help me.
And, each time she tells me these things, I try to offer support and speak to the deeper issues. But, now, I can tell, as this escalates between her and this little dog, that I am the grotesque, negative, unbalanced, unholy, disharmonious one. And that she, and her escalating actions toward this anxious babe are to be continued without interruption.
And, that includes doing anything she wants to do to my soul. I feel in this moment how all of that shame I felt from her through time was a sort of setting of the stage. Now she can look at my concerns and proof that I am a negative nut job who has nothing better to do than contrive non existent problems into being.
This is the source of this morning's pit. Sensing is irritation with me. Her ignoring my offerings. Her dismissal of my insights. Her not responding to my concerns.
And it is here, in this place, in this moment, that I know just how terribly, sickeningly hopeless my early life was and how many thousands of times I have endured this cycle of contempt through out my life. Just how despised I can be in this world for not going along with injuring things. And, what people will do, and allow the spirits around them to do, to me for seeing the truth. And for addressing these matters.
It is awful. It is an awful awful feeling. To be so rejected and despised and setup for assault because someone wants to reenact their disowned injuries onto the innocents around them. And, animals, are easy. One of my deepest deepest sorrows sits with the dogs on earth and how they are continually assaulted by humans. They are the hopeless child from their past who now they can "let have it."
Everyday I see this. And, it is so huge. I want to protect each and every one of these breathtaking beings....who are here only to give love....and who are ceaseless brutalized. People think the "own" a dog and therefore have the right to do anything they want to that being. And, because these sweetie pies can't talk and aren't listened too, they get away with this abuse. Everywhere. All the time.
It really bothers me that such a beautiful gift unto this world....the gift of dogs....is most used for this now. I has become a way for people to channel all their unhealed, unaddressed, disowned emotional pain onto another. One so utterly undeserving of such things.
Today I will feel this grossness upon me. And, the helplessness I feel now as I have every single time I become the target of these huge malevolent forces moving through and around these others commanding us all to comply in perpetuation of evil deeds on the earth.
I will not comply. Even though so much filth is thrown on me for my defiance. I will sit here covered in their shit until I find a way to not let it hit me anymore.
I am tired of it all. And, today, I am especially tired of the new age junkies who disowned all their feelings and throw all that hatred and disgust they feel for their own emotions at me....and at their little dogs.
I don't want to live it their pools of filthy waters. I want to move out of their reach...out of the reach of these energies...and live only in the love I feel otherwise. When I am not negotiation this rejected pain of others, I am happy and creative and joyous. Which is most of my life. And, I want this ugly endless disowned darkness of the masses to not reach my soul in ways that continually rip open old wounds within me...weakening and tormenting me...and making it impossible to ever heal.
What is this injury so unhealed....that draws these others to me now?
I see that at its core there is me, a child of light, stunned by atrocities going on all around me, terrified by the complicit stance of everyone but me. And, then, when I could not be more terrified, they all turn on me in unison to annihilate my sight and to drive me off the face of the earth for knowing how wrong it all is.
There is my father abusing me in every horrible way a father can abuse a daughter, my mother holding space for him to do this in utter alliance, and my sisters beseeching me for help too, and then turning on me along with my father and mother for elucidated the serious and critical nature of these injuries because they are too weak and overwhelmed? Or are they. Why do I not choose that? It just does not feel like an option to me. To attack someone for seeing that they are hurt by a father who beats, humiliates and sexually assaults them?
To acknowledge the truth of these injuries has been the highest crime. Yet, I do not see it as such. Even though I obviously feel I deserve to have this shit beaten out of me for it still.
I can feel how pathetic and self-absorbed and negative my words sound to the world at large. What a useless expression all of this is. Yet, for me, in my own soul, I feel much different about it. I feel that my longing to bring these things into the light is the right use of my life. And that, until we all see everything that is happening inside of ourselves...all the things unhealed still....that we are doomed to a world where so many souls live in punishing circumstances. Confined to accept what is dealt out by those who cannot stand the sight of their confusion and pain.
When I awoke from surgery the woman sharing my room happened to be someone who runs an animal sanctuary...who I also now know is a raging alcoholic who is filled with out of control rage she releases anywhere and everywhere and which these animals must live with. It distresses me. She even told me she had a woman murdered once.
I know there is no coincidence in her being their to greet me in that moment in that injured state. I did end up speaking to her of her unhealed past....but she embraces the surge of power she gets from terrorizing those in her world instead.
And, I know this is going in everywhere. I know this what my friend Sharifa embraced too. And it was her fight in this life to give up that power. And, she died doing it. And, I ended up hit by a car.
It is scary to write any and all of this. Especially knowing first hand how unwanted the truth is here. But, I need to say it all. And, at some point, I will no longer ingest the hatred directed at me for seeing and speaking about these things. For it is a holy thing that I am doing. Even if no one, including me, can see that now.
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