by Motavenda Melchizedek
Note: "This is a work in progress...I am writing, adding to, and editing this piece as I learn more about 'The Law of Attraction' as well as my own core emotions that led to this brutal experience."
Page 4
This is a picture I took of myself on the day I returned home. Since then, I have returned to my life of dancing and roaming the hills. I feel nearly fully restored to my physical state prior to the accident. Still, there is much to learn and heal spiritually. There are wounds deep within my soul from my earliest life and from living a life not knowing that I could connect with God. It is in these days now that I listen to truths of humility, divine love and how to interact with others and move into new places of understanding, that I will come to exist in this same world in a different way.
I have been so afraid on the earth. I have always felt that my only hope for safety was contingent on the consciousness of others in the face of cruel, violent and destructive energies. I have always felt the need to get others to "see" these things when I was in the sights of others wanting to harm me and destroy my life. This was born from my relationship to my mother where she never chose to see. And, so I lived at the mercy of violence, terror and annihilation.
This will be a huge change in my life. To move into a new place where I no longer "need" anything from any other soul in these ways. I do not know how that will lead me to be safe or to feel ok....but I do know that I will come to understand...because I do know that I do not want to try to effect any other in any way any more.
I am thinking now about how many people assumed that I "deserved" this brutal assault somehow. Sometimes, when I tell people what happen to me, they step back. And, that hurts. Or, makes me feel sad and confused and hopeless. I feel the urge rise up to clarify the truth. And, all these things reveal more to me of injured state.
.....
It is nearly a year now (11 months) since the accident and today, as I moved to make my home and yard feel safer....as I have been really avoiding even existing in 75% of the outside space here for the past 8 years because my meth addict family next door had some of their relatives climb a tree and look into my yard and tell me they were going to rape and murder me when I first settled in here.
As I moved my energy into that space today that I had been so bullied out by these people years ago, I felt much fear and I felt too how sickening it has felt to live in this world where so many people are so hateful and feel totally righteous in their abusiveness. I felt how afraid I have been and also how I am ready now to inhabit the world more fully even though these hatefilled people live in this world too.
As the day went on I became more and more clear about how bullied I still am by Alice.
I could feel how it has to do with the fact that I have never been honest with her about how I felt about the way she treated me, my precious dog Bear, and my home when I was so injured.
So, I just called her. "Hi Alice. This is Moti. I just want to let you know how I feel about the way you have treated me. I feel raped by you. I feel like you were raping of me and Bear in how you and your friend treated him in the hours after I was so hurt. I feel like you and the people who support you in continuing to be so hateful toward me are all participating in rapist and violent behaviors toward me. And I feel like it is important to my own soul, that I tell you how I feel. That I feel raped. I feel like you raped Bear. In fact, he has still not recovered from how you treated him even after all this time. I feel like you were raping of my home and were aggressive with my space and my landlord and have continue to be totally abusive and rapist in your actions toward me until now. I feel like it is dark. And I want you to know how I feel. That I see this. And that I am clear about what I feel. I don't wish to have any further interaction with you about any of this. I just want you to know what I feel. That I feel raped by you."
I am glad I made this call. I am glad I spoke the truth to her. It has become so obvious to me that not addressing these things has only caused her to escalate in her violence and sense of righteousness in her continued and growing degrading expressions toward me. I have felt so helpless about how she treated me and has continued through time to treat me since I lay broken into pieces in the road. I have felt hopeless at the sight of how many people hold a space for her to be so rapist and desecrating with me. And I realized this is my mother's legacy. How a totally out of control abuser is give full reign to fuel their sense of power through ever other person who is complicit through fear to oblige and support them in their outrageous and utterly obvious transgressions against souls.
Today was a big day for me. I took over where my mother...and all the endless others who stand complicit in support of those who would wish annihilate and rape me....and I said what all of them should have said. "Stop it. It is not ok to do this to another soul."
I can feel her wanting to retaliate. Like she wants to call the police on me. For what? For telling her I feel raped by her?
I can feel too that I am alone in my belief that I have the right to speak the truth to her. The fact that her own mother has fueled and incited her violence toward me and supports her totally....wow. It is sickening to me.
I am glad I spoke the truth that I did not speak in those initial hours where I lay in the hospital bed...so hurt...where I awoke to a dim room and her and her friend telling me of their violations Bear, my home, my landlord, my possessions....my soul.
It has now been said. I shook with fear. But I am relieved.
It took almost a year to stop giving her space in my sacred world to be so hateful and violating....without me speaking directly to these energies. I have now.
When I lay there in the middle of the street....one dog screaming in terror and pain, the other behind me...not know if he too was hurt....and with both legs broken, I was in the same condition as I was when I entered this world as a baby. Totally vulnerable. At the mercy of anyone who might help me.
That is when I entered into this hideous rapist dynamic with Alice. A dynamic I feel has ended. Through me speaking my words this evening. Even if she didn't listen to them...and just hit "delete."
The transgressions I have experienced in this dynamic were hundreds of times more violent than the impact of that car on my precious bones. Even the boy who hit me, who to this day has never said a word to me...no apology, not even a flower....I have not felt nearly as violated by. Because he did not feel "righteous" in his assault.
These are the injuries in my soul. Healing more and more each day as I feel my longing to connect with God growing. It seems that all my life, from the moment of birth, I have been in the terrible predicament of protesting abuse and caring for and speaking up on behalf of the innocent being violated around me...and for that, I have been brutalized.
What is changing now, is that I am entering into a new and growing state of courage because, as I come to learn the truth about God, the universe and Divine Love and Truth, I feel no only renewed, but an evolving fearlessness. People who carry raping, abusive, assaultive, hateful energies and who direct these energies with force (and often too with much support from others in their midst) toward my soul, have scared the hell out of me. As has the sight of the support they receive in their obvious attempts to annihilate and ruthlessly injure and destroy my beautiful heart and soul....and my always precarious little life....Well, I am growing fearless now. They may kill me. They may destroy my precious innocent world....they my steal what little I have, they may slander and bring other into to slander me with them. Just for not support abuse of me or other innocent vulnerable creatures. It doesn't matter anymore. Because I am loved by God. I know this (at least in my mind) now. And, even though I have known my devotion to the truth and my unwillingness to give into the evils of child abuse through my own journey of breaking free of a hideous ancestral legacy I was born so vulnerably into, I have never felt support beyond that of the strength of my own unwavering soul course. Now, I know that God is with me. That God too holds Truth in high esteem. And God too knows that it is worth upholding regardless of the price it exacts. Which, in my little life, has been enormous.
Still, in this moment....I love my life. I love who I am. And where my path has led me. It is a place aligned with truth with honoring emotions and growing ever stronger in love. And, I trust fully and utterly, that my devotion to my right to own my feelings and express truth and love , will come into a purer and purer manifestation as I learn more of Divine Truth and Divine Love...and, in that process, my soul with be healed, purified and transformed as anything out of alignment with God's Love and God's Truth is illuminated for me to see. I remain willing to see the truth of my own soul condition and will continue to heal and move into more and more harmony with God's Love.
How lucky am I? How lucky are we all. To have this chance. It is time of great holiness.
And I look forward to a world where feelings and love and truth are not provocations for ruthless acts of rape and violence. My job now is to continue to heal my own soul's devastions resulting from my devotion to these things. And, as I do, my world will change.
Today was a day filled with healing as I moved to reclaim my space here and to speak to violators who were infringing so mercilessly on my soul.
...
I live in a smallish town where you end up knowing hundreds of people, and the truth is that the vast majority of my interactions are deep and kind and loving and intimate and sweet. It is just this issue around violations and abuse of the innocent and where I end up cornered into speaking the truth in unwanted places that the problems arise.
....
click to return to first page of this story...Page 1
continue on to next page of this story..Page5