by Motavenda Melchizedek
Note: "This is a work in progress...I am writing, adding to, and editing this piece as I learn more about 'The Law of Attraction' as well as my own core emotions that led to this brutal experience."
Page 10
wow...
it led me to much reflection....
I have been moving through thick mire since I returned from the retreat....seemingly nonstop despair and horror at the sight of all the unlovingness in my own soul. But, I know this is part of the process...being willing to be honest with myself and to see the truth of my soul condition and be overwhelmed emotionally at the sight of it all. It feels so horrible...hopeless...horrifying...but I trust it is the way forward...being humble to feeling the truth of what has become of me in this treacherous world we inhabit. It makes sense though...that this would be my experience after such a gift as that retreat. I do believe that as we truly face where we are and feel our emotions more fully and long for divine love that God will transform our souls.
here is an email I sent to Sharifa's ex husband and his new love this weekend...
Dear.... I recently came to see how I was influenced a lot in the weeks following Sharifa's passing to engage in interactions with both of you and the community and her animals in ways where I was highly pressured and guided by her in my my behaviors. It is ironic, that even though I felt like I was being loving to her to confront things that both of you were doing that she felt were unkind or abusive, in the end she was so angry with me that she had me run over by a car nearly killing me. Anyway, in the past months, I have grown to see that my own behavior toward you both and toward myself was not truly loving. That the issues between you three and the animals were none of my business and that I was unloving to myself to give in to her pressure and insert myself into the middle of all that was taking place there. It was a dangerous and reckless thing to have done and I nearly lost my life and Maggie was killed before it all played out. I feel now that it was not my place to send out that letter confronting those things to the community and I apologize for that. Those were issues for the three of you to address or not between yourselves and I had nothing to do with any of what was taking place there. I believed at the time that Sharifa had chosen love when she died that night but I see now that she was still angry with me for never having supported her abusiveness and rage toward Greg over the years. And that she wanted also for you both to be confronted and used me to do that. I can see that when she passed she wanted me to confront what she felt was cruelty toward both her and her pets by both of you, and that that is not for me to do for her. That everyone is responsible for their own actions in this world and that it is not for me to address or attempt to shine light on things especially when I am not even a part of the situation. I feel like Sharifa was able to push me into taking actions on her behalf from the spirit world and that my actions were out of harmony with love and I apologize to you both for my errors there. I was bullied by her and have addressed the injuries in my soul that left me susceptible to her agenda. Just wanted to clear the air a bit and let you know that I am sorry for my actions and that I wish you both happiness and love. Sincerely, Moti
and their response....
Dear Moti, Thank you so much for sharing your insights. Your apology is sincerely and gratefully accepted. We're both grateful to experience the healing in your words. We're also glad to hear that you too are feeling healed from what was, for all of us, a very difficult time - but which we know was also very instructive for our lives and souls. (Her ex) says he's forgiven Sharifa for the dark times because he knows the light that also shined in her, and he's at peace with it all as part of our souls' process. We've also thanked Sharifa many times for pushing us together - and she did push us together, even though she denied it later - the result of her having more than one "part," part acting for the best and another acting to create chaos. I think when we reach the next realm, we'll remember that we're all soul family. We have things of hers that we see and use daily, reminding us of her, and for which we have clear, peaceful - and thankful - feelings. We've prayed a lot for her soul. We hope that you also knew of Sharifa's light and that it was the original foundation of your friendship, even if it later turned dark. We're very sorry for all the pain you went through, sorry for the roles we played that might have escalated things, and glad that the pain is abating. This healing is good for all of us, good for the community, and we're happy that we might again make eye contact when we meet. Thank you for your kind wishes. We also wish you happiness and love. Sincerely....
....
The truth is that we are born lovely, innocent and open beings who are often cornered into warfare by our own mothers and fathers for the fate of our souls....and that we will need to find more space to exist in our softness and kindness regardless of the unloving or even violent-feeling things that life might present to us if we are to be a part of changing our world into a more loving place than we found it in when we arrived. I am finding myself needing to use my will to open up space inside of my own life....to simply exist at all. I am seeing how it does come down to being aware of our will and how we are engaging it and then seeing that we can engage our will in new ways....and that we will see the great power in doing that to change and grow and heal the injuries still inside of our souls so we can become more loving toward ourselves, our brothers and sisters, and our environment. I am becoming aware of how I have abandoned my life to beings who came into my proximity through all the violence I endured. And how now I need to re-inhabit my life even though I am scared to death.
to be continued....
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